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Separations, injuries and conflicts in interpersonal relationships

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We often associate our happiest memories with the people we love the most. And at the same time, our closest relationships are also the place where our deepest hurts arise – in the family or partnerships, but also with friends or colleagues who we particularly trust.

When we are children we can hardly protect ourselves – children are particularly exposed to injuries in the family. And tragically, we very often internalize these hurts as children – developing self-doubt, guilt, fear, and a deep sense of helplessness that can linger into adulthood.

In adulthood, injuries place severe strains on interpersonal relationships – they can lead to disconnection or separation – but we often struggle with our painful memories and feelings beyond that. In most cases, however, we want to hold on to our closest relationship – and try to cope with hurts together or deal with hurts ourselves.

The closer we are to a person, the more inevitable, but also more painful, injuries are – for many reasons.

We have hopes – our desires depend on the other person.
Expectations arise – the other person has a great influence on our well-being.
We change ourselves and our life – we align it with the other person.
We spend a lot of time together – we create memories together.
We open ourselves – we drop our protective shield and make ourselves vulnerable

Injuries and disappointments in the family

We all have memories of being hurt or let down by family members in our childhood. Families are particularly prone to negative feelings, hurt, and arguments because:

First, we spend a lot of time and usually share a space and common resources, which inevitably creates feelings of inequality in children that continue into our adulthood.
Second, we cannot choose our family members ourselves and often have different values ??and opinions that create tension.
Thirdly, life crises such as illnesses, addictions, death or other losses as well as unemployment or even poverty have far-reaching negative consequences for all family members.
And it is particularly difficult to break off contact because we are connected by mutual dependencies and deep emotions, or because normative values ??and traditions create a feeling of shame.

At the same time, many people in families experience a special sense of belonging and stability and appreciate the understanding and support they experience – even beyond misunderstandings, conflicts or mistakes. Maintaining and strengthening family relationships is particularly important for many people.

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Injuries and breakups in marriages/romantic relationships

The risk of injury is particularly high in romantic relationships – since most relationships go through certain phases that produce inevitable injuries.

Rose-coloured glasses – or a quick end: We usually experience an infatuation phase at the beginning, in which we adore our partner and are very sure that we will be happy with this person forever and ever. We are extremely attentive and react to the needs of our partner with the utmost sensitivity.
Reality – or disillusionment: When the butterflies subside – and we realize that our partner cannot fulfil our every wish – or even read our lips – we experience the first disappointments. Figuratively speaking, we push our partner off the throne of superhumanity – and while it can be very challenging to recognize the negative sides of our partner, it also creates the opportunity to form a secure and strong bond.
Secure attachment – or hurts: When a close bond and a deep trust develop in one another, we experience injuries as snapshots and often manage to heal together and grow beyond them. In complicated relationships or insecure and ambivalent attachments, hurt often takes hold because it has not been adequately discussed or dealt with. Open or repeated violations can become entrenched in negative patterns that manifest themselves in increasing levels of blame, criticism, attacks, as well as rejection, silence, or emotional, physical, and sexual withdrawal. This can also lead to toxic relationships.
Routine – or emptiness: Unfortunately, many couples often live with relationship problems for years – in a state that they describe as a battle zone or emotional desert. If quarrels subside in this phase, it is rarely a sign of harmony – often one partner gives up and, after a long decision-making phase, initiates the separation, which can then be very surprising for the other.

In all of these phases, separations can occur if hurts go unspoken or unworked.

Rose-coloured glasses – or a quick end: In the infatuation phase it can happen that a partner simply does not develop enough feelings or is simply afraid of loss or fear of commitment and is overwhelmed with the intense emotions or the felt responsibility. Sometimes two people just don't fit and even fundamentally different values ??or expectations can lead to a premature end, e.g. when one person wants to live monogamously and one polyamorous. Separations in the infatuation phase lead to lovesickness and awaken deep fears that we are not capable of relationships and will never find a suitable partner and will remain alone forever.
Reality – or disillusionment: Breakups shortly after the infatuation phase are often a sign that one or both partners want to avoid unpleasant feelings or friction – they often react with irresolvable anger or make an irreversible withdrawal. Therapy can help to learn how to deal with our emotions and conflicts in a healthy way, in order to find a common path that can also endure tensions and on which the beautiful moments are in the foreground again.
Secure attachment – or slights: Separation at this stage is often a sign that one or both partners tend towards an insecure, fearful or avoidant attachment style. Therapy as a couple or as an individual is particularly valuable in this phase in order to understand one's own insults, fears and needs and to establish healthy interactions and honest communication.
Routine – or emptiness: A separation after a long time can indicate that we have not managed to understand our partner – with their personal history, deep emotions and needs. Sometimes it can also be observed how a partner has fundamentally changed and feels restricted in the relationship.