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Breakups, Fights and Conflict in interpersonal relationships

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We often associate our happiest memories with the people we love the most. And at the same time, our closest relationships are also the place where our deepest hurts arise – in the family or partnerships, but also with friends or colleagues who we particularly trust.

When we are children we can hardly protect ourselves – children are particularly exposed to injuries in the family. And tragically, we very often internalize these hurts as children – developing self-doubt, guilt, fear, and a deep sense of helplessness that can linger into adulthood.

In adulthood, injuries place severe strains on interpersonal relationships – they can lead to disconnection or separation – but we often struggle with our painful memories and feelings beyond that. In most cases, however, we want to hold on to our closest relationship – and try to cope with hurts together or deal with hurts ourselves.

The closer we are to a person, the more inevitable, but also more painful, injuries are – for many reasons.

We have hopes – our desires depend on the other person.
Expectations arise – the other person has a great influence on our well-being.
We change ourselves and our life – we align it with the other person.
We spend a lot of time together – we create memories together.
We open ourselves – we drop our protective shield and make ourselves vulnerable

Injuries and disappointments in the family

We all have memories of being hurt or let down by family members in our childhood. Families are particularly prone to negative feelings, hurt, and arguments because:

First, we spend a lot of time and usually share a space and common resources, which inevitably creates feelings of inequality in children that continue into our adulthood.
Second, we cannot choose our family members ourselves and often have different values ??and opinions that create tension.
Thirdly, life crises such as illnesses, addictions, death or other losses as well as unemployment or even poverty have far-reaching negative consequences for all family members.
And it is particularly difficult to break off contact because we are connected by mutual dependencies and deep emotions, or because normative values ??and traditions create a feeling of shame.

At the same time, many people in families experience a special sense of belonging and stability and appreciate the understanding and support they experience – even beyond misunderstandings, conflicts or mistakes. Maintaining and strengthening family relationships is particularly important for many people.

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Injuries and breakups in marriages/romantic relationships

The risk of injury is particularly high in romantic relationships – since most relationships go through certain phases that produce inevitable injuries.

Rose-coloured glasses – or a quick end: We usually experience an infatuation phase at the beginning, in which we adore our partner and are very sure that we will be happy with this person forever and ever. We are extremely attentive and react to the needs of our partner with the utmost sensitivity.
Reality – or disillusionment: When the butterflies subside – and we realize that our partner cannot fulfil our every wish – or even read our lips – we experience the first disappointments. Figuratively speaking, we push our partner off the throne of superhumanity – and while it can be very challenging to recognise the negative sides of our partner, it also creates the opportunity to form a secure and strong bond.
Secure attachment – or hurts: When a close bond and a deep trust develop in one another, we experience injuries as snapshots and often manage to heal together and grow beyond them. In complicated relationships or insecure and ambivalent attachments, hurt often takes hold because it has not been adequately discussed or dealt with. Open or repeated violations can become entrenched in negative patterns that manifest themselves in increasing levels of blame, criticism, attacks, as well as rejection, silence, or emotional, physical, and sexual withdrawal. This can also lead to toxic relationships.
Routine – or emptiness: Unfortunately, many couples often live with relationship problems for years – in a state that they describe as a battle zone or emotional desert. If quarrels subside in this phase, it is rarely a sign of harmony – often one partner gives up and, after a long decision-making phase, initiates the separation, which can then be very surprising for the other.

In all of these phases, separations can occur if hurts go unspoken or unworked.

Rose-coloured glasses – or a quick end: In the infatuation phase it can happen that a partner simply does not develop enough feelings or is simply afraid of loss or fear of commitment and is overwhelmed with the intense emotions or the felt responsibility. Sometimes two people just don't fit and even fundamentally different values ??or expectations can lead to a premature end, e.g. when one person wants to live monogamously and one polyamorous. Separations in the infatuation phase lead to lovesickness and awaken deep fears that we are not capable of relationships and will never find a suitable partner and will remain alone forever.
Reality – or disillusionment: Breakups shortly after the infatuation phase are often a sign that one or both partners want to avoid unpleasant feelings or friction – they often react with irresolvable anger or make an irreversible withdrawal. Therapy can help to learn how to deal with our emotions and conflicts in a healthy way, in order to find a common path that can also endure tensions and on which the beautiful moments are in the foreground again.
Secure attachment – or slights: Separation at this stage is often a sign that one or both partners tend towards an insecure, fearful or avoidant attachment style. Therapy as a couple or as an individual is particularly valuable in this phase in order to understand one's own insults, fears and needs and to establish healthy interactions and honest communication.
Routine – or emptiness: A separation after a long time can indicate that we have not managed to understand our partner – with their personal history, deep emotions and needs. Sometimes it can also be observed how a partner has fundamentally changed and feels restricted in the relationship.

I help them to find a way of dealing with the hurts and disappointments in partnerships and families

Mediation for couples and families

Mediation can help to address hurts and conflicts, to understand each other better and to find a common path.

Individual therapy

Individual therapy allows us to look at the hurt and negative feelings we experience in our childhood and through family members, thereby opening the opportunity for self-healing, finding inner peace and establishing and maintaining stable relationships.
After many very short relationships or failed attempts at relationships, coaching can help to deal with the pain of separation, as well as our fears, self-doubt and feelings of rejection.
When covert or complex behavioural patterns lead to quick breakups, therapy can identify and heal them to enable stable relationships.

Couples Therapy

Couples therapy is valuable for understanding one's hurts, fears and needs and for establishing healthy relationships and honest communication.
When a crisis arises after a long relationship, many want to save their relationship or give the marriage/partnership another chance. Couples therapy can then be particularly valuable in restoring communication and emotional closeness.
When the decision to separate is made, there is value in separating with mutual respect and caring, and minimizing the negative impact on children or other family members. I support couples in the process of separation and help to find a mindful way of dealing with each other.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS (FAQ)

Should you break up if you fight?

No – absolutely not – the following three reasons in particular speak in favour of sticking to the relationship and working on it.

Quarrels and conflicts are part of everyday relationships. And often difficult situations say more about ourselves – our own conditioning, our behaviour and our past – than about the relationship. It can be worth working on ourselves and how we treat our partner to improve the quality of the relationship.
And most couples successfully overcome challenges – they try to understand each other, exchange ideas and together find a way to improve the situation. Sometimes conflicts set off a downward spiral that ends in reproaches, arguments, accusations and tensions that last for weeks or even months – we fall into old patterns and see no way out. In these cases, couples therapy can be helpful.
It is also important to remember that romantic relationships are particularly important for us humans – a partnership or marriage is a space for many emotions, intimacy and our way of life – these should not be ended hastily or carelessly.

What to do if you have been emotionally hurt?

Basically, they cannot be ignored and it is important to treat them. We do this by acknowledging that we are hurt.
It is important to clean the wound, even if it hurts. We do this by finding ways to express our emotional pain – through conversation, through writing, in art or if we allow ourselves to cry or be lust less.
Then we have to cover our wound well and take care of it. We do this by doing something good for ourselves, e.g. spending time with friends or in nature, reaching for a book, music or a podcast that comforts us, pursuing our hobbies.
Once the wound has healed, it is important to let it rest and not scratch it again. We do this by forgiving the person who hurt us and focusing on the positive things in our relationship and life.

How much fighting in a relationship is normal?

It’s impossible to define how much fighting is normal in a relationship. There are happy couples who fight a lot and couples who fight very little and are still unhappy. How much fighting is normal depends entirely on how many positive moments we experience with our partner. The magic formula is that couples are happy when there are at least five positive interactions for every negative one – i.e. the ratio is clearly in favour of the positive moment.

How do you deal with unsolvable conflicts as a couple?

I recommend couples therapy if you recognise yourself in any of the following descriptions:

You keep falling into the same behaviour patterns – and despite countless arguments, your real problems remain unresolved.
Even seemingly small things can set off a downward spiral – and it may take you days or weeks to recover.
They expect the other partner to change – and have the feeling that their relationship cannot be saved otherwise.
In moments when you want to be close to your partner, you are overcome by the fear of rejection – and you approach each other less and less.
You no longer understand your partner at all – and you lack the confidence that you both mean well by each other.
They are rarely intimate with each other, either emotionally or sexually – and feel increasingly distant from each other.
There was a break in your relationship, such as a breach of trust – and you don’t know how to move on.
You want to break up – and are looking for a way to make the breakup as painless as possible – for you, your children or loved ones around you.

When is it time to break up?

The question of how long to fight for the relationship and when it is time to break up is not easy to answer. For me personally, there are three main indicators that it’s time to break up:

When negative behaviours and unhealthy patterns have become established and at least one partner is unwilling to work on the relationship.
- Ask yourself the following question: Do I have the feeling that my partner and I are still on the same path and that changes are possible?
If you only stay with a partner out of fear of the pain of separation or of being alone.
- Ask yourself the following question: If a fairy came to me and promised me that I would not have to suffer a day, would I break up with my partner?
If you are stuck in a toxic relationship or experiencing emotional/physical/sexual abuse.
Ask yourself the following question: If I could observe my best friend in this relationship, would I advise her to leave her partner?

What makes a good interpersonal relationship?

Balanced relationships live on the one hand from dealing with each other, especially in difficult times. The following aspects characterize a healthy interaction with each other.

Appreciation, exchange and interest in one another.
Communication and discussions, also about unpleasant and difficult topics.
Empathy and understanding for one another.
Dealing with conflicts and difficult situations.
Our ability to find solutions and compromise.

In addition, we ourselves and our past have a great influence on the quality of our relationships – it is important that we heal negative memories and past hurts and find a healthy way of dealing with our own emotions in order to enter into stable relationships.

What Hurts People in a Relationship?

People experience a variety of hurts in relationships, but here are just a few of the most common hurts in romantic relationships.

Our partner disappoints our hopes and plans for a common future by withdrawing and no longer supporting the joint decisions, e.g. for a common house or child.
Our partner disappoints our hopes and plans for a common future by withdrawing and no longer supporting the joint decisions, e.g. for a common house or child.
Our partner is having an affair or cheating.
Criticism, accusations or embarrassment are particularly hurtful in a partnership, since our partner hardly knows us.
Our partner fails to meet our expectations that we feel safe, understood, cared for and supported.
We change and align our lives with our partner – and at the same time have the feeling that our partner leaves us hanging in the air and does not take a step towards us.
Our partner neglects us or we feel that our partner puts other people or issues ahead of us and we are not a priority.