Your therapist and coach trained in systemic therapy with a masters in psychology - Registered Counsellor: Independent Practice / Private Practice

Why does my partner shut down when I want to talk about our issues?

Your experience and adventures as well as your goals are my top priority

Challenges or conflicts in relationships can feel so overwhelming that they trigger our natural fight-or-flight response—a survival mechanism deeply ingrained in us. In such moments, we often respond instinctively rather than thoughtfully. Some of us may shut down entirely, going silent or leaving the room to escape the tension, while others may lean into the conflict, accusing or even attacking their partner. These reactions are not just about the current disagreement; they often stem from deeper emotional patterns or unresolved past experiences. Our nervous system perceives the conflict as a threat, making it difficult to think clearly or communicate effectively. This internal struggle—between our desire to connect with our partner and our instinct to protect ourselves—creates further tension. By taking a step back to reflect on our underlying beliefs and emotional triggers, we can begin to understand why we react the way we do. This self-awareness is the first step toward breaking the cycle and finding healthier ways to interact during moments of challenge, allowing us to address conflicts with greater compassion, patience, and clarity.

Growing up, we all experience moments that shape the way we see the world. These moments teach us important lessons: that the world isn’t completely safe, that we can’t always achieve everything we desire, and that love doesn’t always come effortlessly. These experiences leave deep impressions on us, and we form underlying beliefs based on them—about the world, about ourselves, and about love.

From that point onward, these beliefs act as a lens through which we view life. They influence how we perceive ourselves and others, and most importantly, they shape how we show up in our intimate relationships. Often, we’re unaware of these beliefs or their impact. But in close relationships, where we’re most vulnerable, these beliefs can create misunderstandings, conflicts, and barriers to connection.

It is important to understand your and your partner’s underlying beliefs

It’s in these moments of struggle that we’re called to look inward—to understand what’s going on inside us and inside our partner. By exploring the underlying beliefs rooted in our inner child, we can create more empathy, connection, and mutual understanding.

Below, I’ve outlined five questions to help you understand your partner’s inner world and five prompts to explore your own.

Five Questions to Better Understand Your Partner

In which situations do I see that my partner is overwhelmed?
Notice when your partner appears stressed, anxious, or upset. These moments often reveal deeper vulnerabilities.
What affects my partner the most?
Pay attention to the things that seem to hurt or trigger your partner. This can offer clues about their deeper emotional wounds.
What is my partner’s deepest wound from the past?
Reflect on the experiences or themes from your partner’s life that may still impact them today.
What is my partner’s biggest fear?
Consider what might scare your partner the most—whether it’s fear of rejection, failure, or losing connection.
What does my partner need the most?
Think about what your partner longs for in the relationship—whether it’s reassurance, trust, stability, or acceptance.

Five Prompts to Better Understand Yourself

My partner doesn’t like it when I…
Reflect on behaviors that bother or trigger your partner.
In these moments, I am actually feeling…
Consider what emotions arise in you during conflicts or challenging situations.
This reminds me of…
Think about how these feelings might connect to past experiences or memories from your childhood.
To get out of that pain, I do…
Identify the coping mechanisms or defense strategies you use to protect yourself.
But I would actually need…
Reflect on what your inner child truly longs for in those moments.

Understand each other better to connect on a deeper level

By asking these questions and completing these prompts, you can begin to uncover what you and your partner have learned about the world, yourselves, and love. These insights allow you to have deeper conversations about your shared experiences and underlying beliefs.

When you and your partner exchange stories and reflect on your beliefs, you gain clarity about what’s truly happening in your interactions. Are you reacting to each other, or are you both wrestling with conflicts rooted in your own inner worlds?

These conversations also create an opportunity for healing. Once you understand how your partner’s beliefs affect them in specific situations, you can ask how to make them feel safer, more supported, and more loved. At the same time, sharing your own vulnerabilities can build trust and emotional intimacy.

A journey toward connection and growth

The influence of our inner child can be both a challenge and an opportunity in relationships. While it may create conflict, it also provides a pathway for growth and deeper connection. By exploring and addressing these underlying beliefs together, you and your partner can build a stronger, more compassionate bond that nurtures both of your inner children.

If you feel stuck or overwhelmed in this process, a couples counselor or systemic therapist can provide guidance and support to help you navigate these conversations and strengthen your relationship.