Exploring Deeper Emotions
The submarine takes us below the surface to explore what is truly beneath our conflicts. Below every argument are the emotions tied to it—emotions that, when shared, can help partners reconnect. Vulnerability fosters connection, allowing us to see that, deep down, we often feel the same way in conflict: confused, lonely, scared, or angry. Instead of saying, “You are never home,” we can express, “I feel so sad about how little time we spend together; I miss you.” When we communicate from a place of emotional honesty rather than frustration, we create space for understanding rather than defensiveness.
Recognizing Intentions Beneath Emotions
Below our emotions lie our intentions. In conflict, it can be incredibly helpful to connect to both our own and our partner’s intentions. More often than not, both partners want the same thing: to find a solution and improve the relationship. Even the behaviors that frustrate us in a fight may stem from a place of care. For example, some partners withdraw—not because they don’t care, but because they are trying to deescalate the situation. Others may become angry—not because they hate their partner, but because they desperately want to find a solution. In most cases, the root of conflict is not indifference, but the deep desire to make things better.
Uncovering Hidden Wishes
Beneath our intentions are our wishes. Every attack in a conflict is often a hidden wish. Instead of saying, “You never help,” we can say, “I really wish we could balance the workload better.” Instead of saying, “You don’t care,” we can express, “I am really in need of some reassurance and care.” When we reframe our frustrations as wishes, we invite our partners to respond with empathy rather than defensiveness. This small shift in language can create a significant change in the relationship.
Understanding Core Needs
At the very bottom of our conflicts are our deepest needs—our need for safety, connection, care, respect, and a sense of belonging. Ultimately, we are seeking attachment and emotional security with our partners. If these fundamental needs are not seen or responded to, every issue can escalate into a major fight because we are, at our core, fighting for these underlying needs. Recognizing and addressing them is key to breaking the cycle of conflict and fostering true intimacy.
Conclusion
The submarine helps in couples counseling, but it can also be a powerful tool in an active fight with your partner. By digging deeper into what is really going on beneath the surface, you can better understand each other, strengthen your bond, and find your way back to connection. The deeper we go, the stronger our relationships can become.
