Tip 1: dig deeper and identify the core issues affecting your relationship
Why does working on communication in a relationship feel so much harder than in other areas of our lives? The truth is, communication struggles are often a symptom of deeper issues in the relationship or individual challenges we face. Improving communication doesn’t just mean fixing how we talk—it requires looking beneath the surface to understand what’s really going on.
That’s why I encourage my clients to dig deeper and identify the core issues affecting their relationship. In this article, I’ll share some of the insights we uncover when we do this work together.
Tip 2: Trust your partner’s good intentions
In relationships, we often have high expectations of our partner. When they fall short of these expectations, we can find ourselves questioning their good intentions: Don’t they care about me? Don’t they take me seriously? What’s wrong with them?
When we feel our partner is doubting our intentions, it’s easy to become defensive—and defensiveness only escalates the conflict. One of the most important shifts we can make is to trust that our partner is trying their best. Believing in your partner’s good intentions creates a foundation for healthier communication.
Tip 3: Find the root of the conflict
The issues we fight about—household chores, finances, parenting, in-laws, or weekend plans—are often not the real reasons for our conflict. These everyday frustrations act as triggers for deeper, unmet needs in the relationship.
When one partner says the other is “overreacting” or “blowing things out of proportion,” it doesn’t help resolve the issue. Instead, we need to approach conflicts with curiosity: What is this really about? My second piece of advice is to dig deeper and uncover the actual reasons behind the conflict.
Tip 4: Make yourself vulnerable and express your emotions
Relationship conflicts often stir up our deepest emotions, fears, and pains. These feelings are difficult to express, so we get caught up arguing about surface-level issues instead. Vulnerability can feel risky—we may hesitate to open up, or we might not even know what’s going on inside us. Sometimes we think, If my partner just changed, everything would be fine.
But true growth requires a willingness to look inward. My third piece of advice is to share openly with your partner how you’re feeling and allow yourself to be vulnerable. Vulnerability fosters connection and helps both partners feel understood.
Tip 5: Communicate your needs instead of accusing your partner
One of the biggest obstacles to healthy communication is the tendency to accuse our partner when we’re unhappy. We point fingers, focusing on what we think they’re doing wrong, rather than expressing what we truly need. This approach creates defensiveness and worsens the conflict.
My fourth piece of advice is to shift from accusations to expressing your needs and wishes. Instead of saying, You never listen to me! try, I feel unheard, and I really need to feel supported right now. This change in approach makes a huge difference.
Tip 6: Learn new communication skills
Many of us didn’t grow up with good role models for communication. We might have seen family members argue destructively or avoid conflict altogether. These patterns can influence how we communicate as adults, making it even harder to break unhealthy habits.
The good news is that communication is a skill—and like any skill, it can be learned and practiced. My final piece of advice is to educate yourself on effective communication techniques, such as Nonviolent Communication (NVC), and to actively practice these tools in your relationship.
Improving communication in your relationship is a journey, but every step you take brings you closer to understanding, connection, and a deeper bond with your partner. If you’re struggling, a systemic therapist can provide guidance and support as you work to strengthen your communication and relationship.
