Sexlessness as a phase in your relationship
In a marriage or lifelong partnership, we all have to accept times of friendship. All couples who have been dating or married for a long time will tell you that it is impossible to keep the spark alive every day of their lives. There are times in which we feel incredibly drawn to our partner and can’t keep our hands of each other, and other times in which we suddenly realise that we haven’t been affectionate for months. These times of platonic love or friendship don’t have to be a point of concern if you are still attentive to your partner’s needs and still connect in other ways.
Couples who experience sexlessness as a phase can benefit from mindful activities to wake up the attraction and intimacy between them. One idea is to write down questions asking their partner about their intimate and sexual needs – from a place of curiosity not as an expectation. Another method is to set time aside for intimacy. The partners can take turns and each take a few minutes to only touch the other partner – the partner receiving the touch can then share what they enjoyed most. Card games with questions to spark a conversation about passion and sex can also be helpful. Couples in this phase can benefit from therapy to understand that their experience is normal and nothing to worry about and to gather some ideas how to revive their sex life.
Sexlessness as a symptom of a lack of intimacy
When couples tell me that they are not intimate anymore, they often mean that they stopped having sex. But as a couple’s counsellor, I am interested in all forms of intimacy. Because I learned that couples who stopped having sex often neglected other forms of intimacy. Many partners who withdrew sexually felt neglected, unappreciated or belittled in the relationship for a long time before. Sometimes they try to reconnect with their partner, just to feel pushed away until they lose hope or stop trying. Sexlessness can be a sign of a lack of appreciation in a marriage.
Such couples will benefit from therapy to understand the evolution of their sexlessness. It can be helpful to understand when one partner felt rejected before they withdrew sexually. Unpacking the moments in which one partner sought attention, appreciation or affirmation from the other can help both partners to learn more about their needs and be responsive to them again. Being mindful of their needs can open both partners up to start being intimate with each other again – also sexually.
Sexlessness as a result of a lack of conflict and aggression
When I first worked with couples who experienced sexlessness in my practice, I wanted to refresh my knowledge to find plausible reasons. And one explanation in therapeutic literature resonated so much with me – sexlessness is often a result of a lack of deep and intense emotions in general. Many couples who report a lack of sex, will tell me that they hardly ever fight or have no other conflicts in their relationships. This made me realise that the spark between them had died a long time before they noticed sexlessness as an issue for them – and it died as one or both partners started to give up on each other; stopped trying to get through to the other, stopped raising their concerns or needs; and stopped fighting for a good relationship. And they started withdrawing; sharing less emotions – first they would keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves until they also kept their intimate needs to themselves so the distance settled in and grew.
This shows us that a healthy relationship needs some tension, intense even if heavy emotions and conflict. We need to clash with our partners in the pursuit of a relationship in which both have their needs met. If we start withdrawing from conflict, we will also withdraw our bodies, which is only driving us further apart. In therapy, we have to focus on the underlying wishes and needs and encourage both partners to share them with each other. We have to unpack frustrations and irritations so they can work through them and let go of the hurt. And we have to work through conflicts and in doing so bring them close to each other.
Sexlessness as a side-effect of one partner’s illness
Health concerns as well as physical or mental illness are big contributing factors to sexlessness that can’t be underestimated. If we are in pain, feel physically weak or simply uncomfortable in our bodies, we often loose interest in sexual interactions and withdraw ourselves. A negative body image resulting from weight gain, a different body after giving birth or simply due to ageing can also affect our confidence to be naked and sexually expressive with our partners. Depression – as well as the medication to treat depression – or other mental illnesses affect our libido and sexual drive. Sexlessness as a result of other illnesses or hardships can easily turn into a vicious cycle – one or both partners will start to feel ashamed or guilty and consequently withdraw even more from their partner.
Couples who are experiencing sexlessness as a result of illness or hardship can find solace in opening up and sharing the burden and the pain of these challenging life events. Therapy can help them to reconnect in the face of these difficulties – and as hard as it might sound – accepting the changing life circumstances is an important step to finding a way forward – also as a couple.
Sexlessness in relationships is normal – but needs attention
Many couples experience sexlessness in their relationships, for many different reasons. Often clients who come to therapy will ask me “is this normal” and yes, these experiences are normal because many people go through them. But normal doesn’t mean healthy. That’s why I believe sexlessness needs attention. It is important to first identify the underlying causes of your sexlessness. Secondly, we have to understand your deepest needs and desires and practice appreciation for one another again. Thirdly, we have to purposefully create moments of intimacy – emotionally as well as physically. And lastly, we have to practice mindful relationship habits to enjoy one another again.
